Thursday, March 7, 2013

The Satori Inchante Memorial Fund




                                Understanding the loss of a loved one is difficult.  
                         Coping with the loss of a loved one is even more challenging. 
                                Losing a baby has got to be one of the hardest, 
                                               most unimaginable things,
                                         even for me as I am going through it. 

     It is the oddest thing to feel I understand this great loss emotionally, physically and spiritually while at the same time feeling I do not understand any of this!

     Maybe my mind is playing tricks on me?  Perhaps she is on a great baby vacation and coming back I think...I don't leave my babies.  We go to the store together, to the park together, eat, sleep,cuddle and play together.  My kids are so closely bonded, almost always together.  I would have anxiety to be away from my infant for any length of time and refuse to do it.  But now she is gone and not ever coming back into her body.  



      I understand there are reasons she has transcended.  I understand the reasons are sometimes hard to understand.  I constantly have to remind myself that on a soul level ~ a spiritual level ~ I really do understand, which is what really gets me through this.  And yet I am still in early grieving.  I am still in shock and life feels surreal.

     I am not ready to face the world.  Every day tasks can seem so much more challenging right now.  And my children need my love and support to help them cope as each one of them is processing in his own way.  
 
   My husband however has had to go back to work and had less support.  I feel for him.  He absolutely needed to take a couple weeks off of work before he could function well enough to do his job.  His grieving manifested into a sort of insomnia at first and functioning normally was impossible.  But as head of the household, he pulled it together for his remaining family as our bills and now, the extra expenses keeps adding up.



The night Satori passed into the light, weird things began to happenEarlier that night, my oldest son opened the refrigerator door and the whole thing fell off!  The door fell in a manner that the inside hit the tile, breaking some of the shelves and the items on them.  At the same time, my 2 year old woke up screaming inconsolably. I was unable to even tend to the disaster because I needed to be with him and would not leave him to cry and walk into broken glass.

      Because we have not yet been able to function as our normal selves, the refrigerator, as I write, remains broken.  The door has fallen off a few more times, breaking the handle off of the door.

     That night the interior lights in the van also quit working.  The brakes sound progressively worse, an oil change is needed and the engine now has a problem.   

The kids became sick within days of her passing and I immediately began feeling pain in my abdomen, which I feel as I write this.
 
     
     But worse, our beloved cat, whom is my first companion into my adult family, is suddenly having health issues.  At first she was vomiting and falling into it.  Then only foam came up and now she tries to vomit but nothing comes up because she has quit eating.  When she falls out, it reminds me of the beginning of a seizure, but there is no shaking and she recovers quickly.  She is now so skinny and there is a green/yellow color around her ears, displaying signs of liver or kidney/urinary tract problems.

     If there was ever a time our family needs love and support, it is now.  And we have been so blessed to receive this in much variety!  Each person has something unique and special about them that can be shared. And so much thanks we give to everyone who has offered support and compassion. This means everything to our family.  I can not imagine going through this alone.

   One of these gifts came from a beautiful friend who helped me set up this blog and a pay pal account.  She even started this draft for me and included the pay pal link for the "Satori Inchante Memorial Fund." 



Satori has given so many gifts to me and to so many people.  One of these great gifts is that her transcendence has re-solidified the bond in many of my relationships. There are so many lessons I am learning or will learn from this experience.  One of these is the need that I have to receive right now, and to know that as a very giving person, it is OK for me and my family to receive right now.  



As individuals and as a family, we have never experienced any trauma as great as this before and I pray we never have to again.  Even my 2 year old says: "I want my baby, I want my baby!"  

If anyone reads this and makes a choice to donate even five or ten dollars to my family, I want to thank you and bless you right now!  And even if you can not donate money, I still want to bless you and thank you for sharing in our story, our very difficult story.

                                         Enjoy every precious moment,
         for life is full of moments and there are no guarantees besides death itself.

                                          ~ In love and light we all shine ~







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