Our Angel: Blessings and Tragedy

     To begin on a joyful note, I want to share part of the story of the coming of our angel Satori Inchante.  Her name is significant of many things, in many ways for our family. Satori is a Japanese Buddhist term for "awakening, enlightenment."  Inchante comes from her Native American heritage.  In short, it is a Lakota term translating: "the heart of."  Together this translates: "the heart of awakening."  As the story is revealed, very deep meaning comes from the story of who she is, the story of our family, the heart of awakening for us and for many.

     After birthing, parenting and loving three boys, Satori finally blessed us with her arrival; my first born daughter.  I still almost can't believe I finally birthed a girl!  I felt her presence from the spirit world ever since my first son was born 13 years ago.  What an absolute blessing and honor to hold her in my womb and so peacefully bring her into the world in the warm waters of our birthing pool, in the sacred space of our home.
     She exited my body and entered our world on the evening of December 5, 2012.  She was so beautiful, full of color, weighing 8 lbs, 5oz.  After we exited our birthing pool, I rinsed off and headed to bed with her for as many days as I could.  Because she was my fourth child, the holidays were approaching, my husband had to quickly return to work and my sister-in-law was about to unexpectedly move into our house, our nesting time was a bit shorter than usual.  But we did our best to keep climbing back into bed as much as possible for the first 2 weeks to work on nursing, resting and bonding when we were able.  At 2 weeks old, with the arrival of my husband's sister, I was ultimately thrown out of our nesting state.

     16 days after Satori's birth was the winter solstice, referred to as "the apocalypse."   While many people called this "the end of the world," this time actually is about a time of transition, better known as a "spiritual awakening,"  which I will write more about later as it fully relates to our whole experience.  All of the holidays that occur in this season were now well under way.  We were very busy, especially as I was the only driver in the house and had to relay my husband to work and back as well as help my sister-in-law adjust to a new city, help her find a job and then take her to work and back between 2 jobs (4 times a day round trip oftentimes, plus 2 times there and back for my husband and everyone's extended errands.) And then we had two sets of out of town company visit consecutively!  This is just a portion of the chaos, also including homeschooling and re-adjustments for my other baby, now 2 and for the family as a whole.

    I made sure to have special time with all of my children, often holding Satori and nursing her while I was busy with the boys or cooking.  And yet I feel regretful now that there was so much business and so much time in the car during these sacred newborn weeks...

     I called her my sleeping angel as so much of her life at this time was spent sleeping.  I thought it was a blessing, being such a busy mama, still healing from our birth and looking forward to the rest of our lives awake together.  And now I regret how many times I laid her down to sleep while I tended to her brothers and the piles of dishes and laundry.

     It pains me so very, very deeply how suddenly and how profoundly the lives of my family and myself changed so quickly.  On February 10, 2013 our very precious and beautiful angel of light crossed over, back into the realm of the spirit world she had just come from.  I thought, mistakenly, that I would be with her into my years as an old woman, present while she most likely would one day choose to carry on the linage of our family.  I wanted so badly to share the bond that only a mother and daughter attains.  At the time of her death, I was still in awe that I finally had my long awaited baby girl with me in life!

      I lost my baby before I even had lost the weight from carrying her in me.  Before my body had healed.  Before she had begun to awaken more.  We had only just received her name after many weeks of asking for it to be revealed to us.  I never got to experience so much of her.  I never got to watch her become whomever she would beautifully be!  And oh how it hurts!  How very painful it is... To be a mother without her child, without my baby girl.  My breasts are still filling with milk to sustain her 3 weeks later...how I wish I could sustain her.  How I long to hold her.  I never even got to put a dress on her or watch her hair grow long and braid it...the things this mother of three boys longed for quietly all these years.
     
     And I am so immersed in my mothering!  I feel alive and happy mothering, as if it were the only thing I were born to do, to nurture these amazing souls.  And though I treasure each one of my boys so incredibly, I always knew she was connected to me.  I always knew she was coming!  And I waited so long, so patiently for her.
     
     And yet, just as I knew she was there all those years, I know she is still present and always will be.  She really is our angel, just as I called her since the time of her birth.  Now she is invisible.  No I cannot hold her, see her, cuddle her, feed her.  But I can go deep into my heart and feel her.  I can talk to her and learn to hear her.  My children and husband and I have her as a spirit guide to protect us.  And while I long for her in the body of my child again, I try to remember how blessed we are that one of our angels manifested into a body, if only for a moment, to bless us and allow us to see her in a form somewhat different than she now is, and yet the same, still with us, always.

     Our story will unravel in many different ways and times as it is meant to.  But it is important that I share our story, her story, as I am able.  Her life and transition called death did not happen in vain.  She is part of a greater awakening of this planet and for many souls who share space on earth during this evolutionary time.  And as time progresses, her existence; the revealing of her truth and joy and the spreading of her innocence and love will touch many and only become clearer as to what this experience is really about.
     
     The cause of her passing is the kind that is unknown, often referred to as SIDS.  And yet I understand it on a soul level, that it was her agreement to be here just a short time and she simply zapped out of her body, peacefully in her sleep...peacefully how she had entered into this life from the womb only 8 weeks before.  8 weeks, the number of infinity.  Satori is truly infinite!

My Message to You

  

I’m not here to console you; I’m only here to give you a message, from the

 product of your love.

Watch the sky, find that shining that twinkles just right, that’s my glistening 

eyes and that’s where you will find me. 

In the morning crisp air, with a soft kiss on your nose, that’s where you will 

find me. 

That desert snow fall that makes the hairs stand up, that’s my arms around 

your neck, and that’s where you will find me. 

When you feel that tug on your heart when you watch my brothers play, that’s  

me hugging your heart, and that’s where you will find me. 

You will find me in mommy’s and daddy’s eyes, in every crashed wave, in 

every rain fall, in every sprouted flower.  This world needed me to spread my 

energy, my innocence and love into everything and everyone, so that’s where  

you will find me. 

I’m with you and everyone and everything you touch. 

Close your eyes and take a breath, and that’s where you will find me. 

            With Peace and Love Forever and Always, 

Satori