Tuesday, September 24, 2013

Grandparent's Grieve too!

So many people fail to realize how hard it is for grandparents who have lost grandchildren.  They are grieving for their children, their grandchildren and themselves.  My mother wrote for my blog this summer and I have delayed on posting it... 

I have a pattern of either staying up through the night to complete my computer tasks or abandoning them completely.  And lately I have had a deep need for extra sleep at night, even sleeping as long as my children.  

Between July and August we had 4 weeks of different family visiting back to back.  After losing Satori, we happily devoted ourselves to spend all of our time together with our loved ones whom we had not seen for 2-3 years.  It was something we looked forward to, clinging to it like a lifeline of hope before they came.  When our family was gone, the very next day we jumped into another 4 weeks beginning our homeschool routine and creating changes in our lives.  I needed to get us moving and keep us moving so we are not stuck.  I have not yet  removed Satori's things from their spaces in our house.  I have picture boards of her around the house and a small shrine on our kitchen counter.  I do not want us to forget her!!!  AND I also need us to move forward making healthy progress in our daily rhythms.  

Now it has been a couple months since my mother wrote this beautiful blog that I am about to post.  Sorry I took so long mom!  You are an amazing mother & grandmother!  You have been so good to us and supportive throughout the trauma of losing our beloved Satori!  I hope your friends and family provide support for you too and understand that grief does not suddenly leave for the grandparents or parents and siblings. WE LOVE YOU!!!  Here is your blog...THANK YOU! 

(PS: my son's computer died and he had the pictures of her on his computer which is where I was blogging from-another reason I stalled on writing here because I want her pictures in my blogs!  Oh well, I am using what I have available and am grateful for all we have!)

My mom's blog:

Much of what I want to share with you is simply not my story to tell.  It will likely be revealed in another chapter of this blog and at that time I may be asked to share my feelings.  For now my comments reflect a grandmother’s broken heart over losing her beloved granddaughter.  We did not know her gender until she was born so during those prenatal months I browsed baby stores wishing I knew if it was okay to purchase something with cute pink ruffles.  Honestly we would be thrilled to welcome another grandson yet when there are already 3 boys in that family it’s only natural to dream of tea parties and doll houses.  On occasion, when I found a good buy on feminine clothing, I took a chance and bought them because it was just plain irresistible.  What the heck, we would either be able to use it or else gift it to someone else.  It won’t surprise you that I went on a “pink” shopping spree the day after Satori was born.  There was such joy upon her arrival.  Their family felt complete with this beautiful, healthy infant daughter.  Grandpa & I were honored to be invited to visit with the family immediately after her birth however we felt their family should have that evening alone together and tomorrow would come soon enough for us to meet our newest granddaughter.  It was the right decision but now we wish we had spent every single opportunity with her.   Tomorrow is promised to no one .. but do we ever truly believe something horrible will happen to us?  SIDS is something we read about but never believe it will happen to us, especially when we are good, educated parents who know how to properly care for an infant.  Had we known Satori wouldn’t be with us for long we wouldn’t have taken our annual Christmas trip and been gone for over two weeks of her short life.  But we didn’t know and it is a blessing we didn’t possess that knowledge because every single day of her life would have been filled with sorrow rather than joy.  I strongly believe in God’s Will.  Things happen for a reason and we cannot always understand why but we need to trust that God knows what He (or She) is doing.  It is called having Faith.  Just think of all the good things that happen in our lives and rejoice.  We don’t question those things.  Only when tragedy occurs do we waiver and ask why.  I miss her so much and struggle with my own grief yet I feel blessed to have had Satori in my life.  Her life was too short but every single day of her life she was showered with love from her family and friends.  She never suffered or wanted for anything.  How many of us can say we’ve never had a bad day? 

My daughter has already shared that there were some unusual circumstances happening in their household with a sister-in-law moving in two weeks after Satori was born.  Since this person did not own a vehicle the result was my daughter became a chauffeur.  Unfortunately the children spent more time in the car than usual however that became something positive for Grandpa and Grandma.  Since it saved both time and gas, it made sense for them to stop at our house between runs and we had opportunity to see the kids at some point nearly everyday.  We were able to bond with Satori and also provide extra hugs to the boys and play with them.  My daughter kept the children with her at all times so I am honored to tell you that I am the only person she trusted to leave Satori with.  She wasn’t away very long but it still counts as babysitting and is a fond memory for me.  Grandpa holds the honor of having Satori smile and coo for him.  He loved holding her but once she started fussing he would hand her over to me.  I held her often and she knew me so well that I could always calm her down. 
After our Christmas trip we returned home with Satori’s Great Aunt, who wanted to meet the baby and spend time with the rest of the family.  Typically her visits are too short so we were pleased this time she was able to stay two weeks at our house.  This is yet another circumstance that may have been planned in heaven.  The result is she was able to meet and bond with Satori plus it gave me even more time with my daughter’s family.  This is precious time together that may not have happened if not for having company.
My last day with Satori was another blessing.  Plans were made to spend the day together at a special event.  It was a  mother, daughter, and grandchildren day doing something fun and best of all, with no time limitations.  Grandpa volunteered to drive the others to their place of work so we wouldn’t need to keep our eyes on the time.  Before leaving I got Satori dressed and during that day I was able to have plenty of time holding her.  The day ended back at their house where they provided me dinner and I continued holding Satori.  As I prepared to leave my daughter wanted me to stay awhile longer but I felt it was time to return home.  Regrets are difficult to live with!  If I’d known this was the very last time I’d see my granddaughter alive I would have stayed.  However, I take comfort remembering this very special day with fond memories.  We were extremely blessed to have so much time with Satori but oh how we miss her now.
Most of us recall exactly where we were upon hearing of tragic events such as September 11th or the assassination of President Kennedy.  Sadly, I will always remember answering the phone on February 10th.  I never, ever will forget my daughter telling me Satori died.  We rushed to be with her.  It all seemed unreal.  Certainly there had been a dreadful mistake!  My own grief was crushing however there is nothing worse than witnessing the grief of my own child and not being able to say or do anything to “fix it”.  There were also the boys to consider.  They were present as the paramedics attempted to revive their sister.  My oldest grandson is able to understand his sister died while the younger boys truly couldn’t grasp that death is permanent.  Each of us was truly functioning in a state of shock.  Honestly it’s probably the only way we got through the days that followed.  My poor daughter was so brave because she had to be for her husband and boys.  The hardest phone calls I’ve ever had to make were to inform my other children of Satori’s death.  Thankfully they took over telling the rest of our extended family. 

As a child, my dream was to become a wife and mother.  I was never career oriented and preferred being a stay at home mom.  Even once my children were in school full day, I chose to work with preschoolers.  I just love children!  It’s not surprising that I love being a grandmother too!  I get to have all the fun and then send home when they’re tired and crabby.  They are supposed to outlive their grandma and share fond memories of me at my funeral.  Not the other way around.  There are no words to describe the emotional pain of grief.  Each of us goes through it in our own way and as my dear friend points out, there is no timeline for grief.  Sadly, not everyone is so enlightened. Quite often we feel unable to talk about our feelings of losing Satori with others.  I’ve been in their set of shoes and realize they simply don’t know what to say.  I cannot speak for other grieving parents/grandparents but only for myself.  Be brave enough to say something, no matter how short.  Your silence adds to our grief.  Not only have I lost a beautiful granddaughter but now it feels like I’ve lost a few friends!  I won’t make you talk about it.  Just let me know you care with a phone call or an email.  Although some friends & even family have been strangely silent, there is caring support from unexpected people.  They are a wonderful addition to my life and I sincerely thank them, for without you, I don’t know if I could have functioned at all.  As time goes on our tragedy is forgotten by many.  The dreaded day came when there were no sympathy cards in the mail.  Initially there are so many details to handle and we are surrounded by people and when these things come to an end it makes us realize Satori’s death is final. 

When I was 24 we lost our 2nd son due to a heart defect.  My heartache and grief is something one never fully recovers from.  There were two things I did not like hearing.  “You’re young and can have other children.”  Oh my gosh, how is that going to replace this precious child that is no longer with us?  The other advice is “time heals.”  While that saying proved true, it really didn’t help to hear while my grief was so fresh.  These statements were made by people who were only trying to be helpful and bring me comfort and because I understood that, I thanked them.  What’s more, I appreciated they were brave enough to confront a difficult situation when there truly are no words that will bring back my baby.  Grief or no grief, time goes on and life has a way of creeping back in until we reach a “new normal.”  Our family expanded and as the children grew we became increasingly busy.  Eventually the day came where I made it through an entire day, then an entire week without the burden of grief dictating my day.  We always remember our dear baby and believe he is our Guardian Angel.  I mention this loss because my old grief has resurfaced with the death of Satori.  I grieve as a mother and a grandmother.  I am a strong woman and a survivor and will survive this new loss once I wade through my emotions.  These days, I wake up each morning filled with sorrow and then I make a conscious effort to count all my numerous blessings.  What a truly wonderful life I have!  My life’s dream to become a wife and mother has been realized and made me so happy.  I have a loving husband and we are very proud of all our children and grandchildren.  Even with the loss of our loved ones, we know we’ll be reunited someday in heaven.  I reach this point of awareness everyday but as I stated, that is not how my day begins.  Are you familiar with the movie Fifty First Dates?  The movie is a romantic comedy about a woman who suffered a brain injury which wipes out her memory every night while she sleeps.  Each day her boyfriend has to make her fall in love with him again and each night she loses those memories as she sleeps.  This is how it feels for me handling my current grief.  I wake up sad but then count my blessings and try to enjoy every moment throughout my day.  I go to bed content yet most days wake up overwhelmed with grief and need to start counting those blessings again.  It’s tiring but these feelings will pass.  Already there are family events we look forward to and everyday life is forcing its way in.  And yes, unfortunately it takes time to heal. 

Friday, May 10, 2013

"As good as can be expected."

Everyone asks, "How are you?  How are your boys?"  What can I say?  "As good as can be expected," my husband will say.  Drawing a blank, I wonder if anyone really wants to know and I might answer, "OK...(pausing and mumbling,)... I guess."   And even if I say the programmed, "good," I suddenly question why I said that and if I felt good right then, if I still feel good.  Because as soon as I say this, the death of our beloved comes crashing back in a huge wave and I feel pulled back into the undertow of this tragedy.

This is the most powerful time of my life.  I am changing profoundly into who I will be, a better version of who I am.  I recognize my inner elder and she is an amazing woman!  Whew, what a harsh path that is leading me to her!

So often I want to write and have not. I am so emmersed in my children and caring for them in their delicate processes.  And because I am grieving, it takes all of my energy to give and to be a mother and to still be a part of life; leaving me feeling too tired to write at night and consumed during the days.

I am doing well, remembering to tend to everything from bills, to our tender hearts.  And yet I find I myself digging into a project to move the energy forward, such as spring cleaning and having yard sales to let go of things, release different kinds of energy and to generate more income.  And then I slow down and am truly overcome with emotions.  Where the hurt and pain may have at one time seemed a gentle tributary it may suddenly pour into a giant river that flows rapidly towards the sea.

But whatever I am doing, whether washing dishes, cooking, laundry or beginning to cry in a quiet moment, I find my children in constant need, running to me, often in tears.  I stop what I am in the midst of and give myself fully to my children.  This is where most of my energy is directed throughout all of the day and night, every day and night.  I take time for the grief when I can, knowing that emptying the pain can only be done in pieces, in time. This takes many, many moons. And while I am dedicated to my own healing, I devote myself first to my family and their needs, some of which is "normal" child emotion, and much of which is escalated from our family's tragedy.

Adding to the trauma, 5 weeks after Satori crossed over, our beloved cat,  has passed over also. This has deepened the pain we are experiencing.  Our cat is a best friend to me and my family.  She was with me my whole adult life from the time she was conceived. And she grew up with my oldest son, since he was conceived while she was still a kitten.  She really watched him, (and all of my boys) grow up, while seeing me grow into who I am, knowing me better than anyone alive ever has.  I miss her and love her so!!!  She was the best cat a person could ever have.  Amazingly, she always came when I sang "her" song -EVERY TIME!  

our beautiful gato

Money has been another distraction.  There has been a struggle to get all of our bills paid.  I am praying for simple solutions to provide for our family without struggles.  I am manifesting more work that pays well and allows most of my time to be with my kids.  And for my husband we are manifesting a nearby, decent, second job or a different job that will allow for 40 hours of work, low cost benefits and higher pay.

We still have home and car repairs waiting since before Satori passed over.  I still want to print more of her pictures and buy photo albums that will keep them safe.  We are so grateful for all that we have and have received.  And we can still use lots of help.  We are playing catch up financially.  Currently I am listing items for sale on craigslist.

After almost 3 months, we finally fixed our refrigerator door enough to use it.  It still has no handle and is missing many of the shelves that go into the door which broke when it fell off.  I am so grateful we can use it again though!  It was scary having it resting in place, unable to be used.  I was nervous anytime the kids went near it and felt i was developing a fear of refrigerators! (HA.)

And still, while this is all of relevance and importance for our family's well being, it can also be a distraction from the pain.

She is not coming back!!!  Oh my goddess it hurts to the core of my being and all thru my being, feeling like a cord of pain links me to the core of the fire in the center of earth and through the planet into all existence!

Days ago, while brushing my hair in the morning, my brain was replaying the trauma.  I heard myself when I made the phone call my loved ones saying: Something horrific has happened, Satori is dead! And then I heard the panic echoing through my brain from both sides of the phone.  I felt the anxiety rushing in and had to tell my brain to quit thinking these thoughts and , drop the hairbrush and walk out of the room to force myself out of it.

Sometimes I will be driving and see an ambulance and I will feel the panic again as I remember the moment I realized she was not alive.  I held my dead baby in my arms, denying that she was gone, trying to stay calm, trying to remember infant CPR, feeling her lungs fill with air and no heartbeat to be found.  Knowing even if the ambulance shows up soon, her brain has not received oxygen for too long already and SHE WILL NEVER EVER BE OK!!!  I kept asking the 911 operator to walk me through the CPR so I had a better chance for success and the person on the phone just kept asking me questions about our location.  It was so frustrating!!! 
When I relive this,  I feel anxiousness and irregular breathing.  I catch myself deep  in this and try to stop thinking the thoughts that I feel could kill me.  And this all happens in seconds.  I pull myself back and breathe.  But this does not bring her back nor does it ease the pain for more than the moment I must get through right then.  And this has happened too many times.  But it is happening less as I process this all.

And there are so many more happy memories, like her birth.  What a gift that she was born into our family!  And she was so healthy and divine!  An amazing, angelic soul.  This is what I call my focus back to.  This is who I can can still connect with through the spirit realm, across the barrier of life and death, where all souls meet, part & merge.

We love you Satori!!!

Tuesday, March 12, 2013


            When I take the time to notice, there is always something amazing happening! 
                                                     Life itself is amazing! 

     Easily, many people become desensitized by the cultures we are a part of.  Incredible things are happening all around us, everyday.  Essential tools of life that we could not live without are often forgotten or assumed.  The fact that we continue to breathe, without thinking about it, or that we can break a bone and our bodies will regenerate and heal, again and again, is so amazing!  There is so much to be grateful for!

     Pregnancy and birth are seen all the time and might even be described as a miracle, but are often so routinely viewed that some of the sacredness of it can be lost in it's wake.  I am so grateful to be a healthy woman and to know how to grow life from within me and give birth to healthy children without even knowing how I do it and while hardly even thinking about it!  This is the most incredible thing I can imagine, the most amazing thing I could ever do.

     Satori is amazing.  Her lessons to me are amazing. Her lessons to so many others are amazing.  So many people who have heard of her passing have paused to hold their loved ones.  Several people I know who have been subdued by miscarriages have lifted pain that they had not known they would ever be able to lift, by sharing a part of Satori's blessings.  And our family and community has shared her blessing in being drawn together and strengthened in random ways of sharing in her life and death.

     One blessing I want to share ("my plug," I think and silently laugh) that I have found amazing is that J.C. Penny has a memorial package.  We had a portrait session there when Satori was 12 days old.  When we called to ask if we could buy more pictures from that day, we were offered a c.d. with copy rights waved and 6 free portrait sheets!  How beautiful that is!  These are the pictures I am sharing today.  Many thanks to this company for its generosity and compassion.  And how sad that this is common enough for this package to exist.  Blessings to all the other families who have lost their loved ones and sadly, all those who will.

     I believe the greatest gift Satori has given us all, is to remind us to drop into our hearts and to center ourselves from a position of love.  Some people believe that humans use approximately 99.75 percent of their brains every day, while the remaining .25 percent of our actions are guided through "intuition."  When we really check in with ourselves we are always directed in the best possible way.  To do this, we must clear our minds and go deep into our hearts.  This is who Satori Inchante is: the heart of awakening!  This is amazing!

     I will always hold our angel in my heart.  The only way I could ever really know her was from within. So while my heart feels such a deep and horrid heaviness, I call to her for strength and feel her love to lift my heart.  And no, it does not always happen so easily.  But when I am distraught with pain and thinking too much, I know I can think about who she is.  She is love.  And her love comes from her into me and from me into her and from us into all things.  Like a mirrored rainbow of all colors blended into all of life, shining into the pain and lifting it out of darkness.
     I am beginning on a sort of spiritual walk (in the case of this blog, perhaps spiritual "talk") to carry on her story, as I had carried her and will always hold her in my heart.  I do this so that it might help other people who feel this pain, or any kind of pain or heaviness.  And so that I continue to release my own weights from within.  And furthermore, to set free her love and messages to the world, even if only by putting it into words and releasing it...so that we may all feel her love and grow from within our spirits.

     Sometimes grieving involves allowing the body to take on illness and purge it likewise.  I have been very dedicated to honoring all the chaotic manifestations of grief as it occurs in myself and my family, while being very careful not to become ill so I remain strong for my family.  After a few late nights of blogging last week, I began feeling very run down and on the verge on illness. Blogging, for me needs to be done in the late night hours after my "wild ones" go to sleep, which is drains my ability to re-charge fully.  I acknowledge this and honor myself and my family by resting when I need to and honor all of life by writing when I am able.   Understandably, blogging will be somewhat sporadic. 

     One realization I have had is that strength does not mean taking on extra all by myself.  Strength is allowing myself to be present for the needs of my family, my own needs and those of other people, while drawing strength in from those who offer it, the earth and the many angels surrounding us in light, love and protective guidance...one source of which is my beautiful daughter, our beloved angel Satori.  This is amazing!

                                     "All things in life offer us opportunities to learn and grow... 

                                     sometimes those lessons are not without tears...

    those tears are to me a spring rain washing away the solemn grey of winter's sorrows.

                                     Tears that clear the panes of our greenhouses

                                         for songs of sunshine, urging us to grow.

                                                From the husky hearts of pain

                                        such seeds of love can only burst  forth anew

                                          with stouter stems and brighter blooms..." 

                                  ( ~ a universal message through my living angel of light, Michael ~ )             


Thursday, March 7, 2013

The Satori Inchante Memorial Fund

                                Understanding the loss of a loved one is difficult.  
                         Coping with the loss of a loved one is even more challenging. 
                                Losing a baby has got to be one of the hardest, 
                                               most unimaginable things,
                                         even for me as I am going through it. 

     It is the oddest thing to feel I understand this great loss emotionally, physically and spiritually while at the same time feeling I do not understand any of this!

     Maybe my mind is playing tricks on me?  Perhaps she is on a great baby vacation and coming back I think...I don't leave my babies.  We go to the store together, to the park together, eat, sleep,cuddle and play together.  My kids are so closely bonded, almost always together.  I would have anxiety to be away from my infant for any length of time and refuse to do it.  But now she is gone and not ever coming back into her body.  

      I understand there are reasons she has transcended.  I understand the reasons are sometimes hard to understand.  I constantly have to remind myself that on a soul level ~ a spiritual level ~ I really do understand, which is what really gets me through this.  And yet I am still in early grieving.  I am still in shock and life feels surreal.

     I am not ready to face the world.  Every day tasks can seem so much more challenging right now.  And my children need my love and support to help them cope as each one of them is processing in his own way.  
   My husband however has had to go back to work and had less support.  I feel for him.  He absolutely needed to take a couple weeks off of work before he could function well enough to do his job.  His grieving manifested into a sort of insomnia at first and functioning normally was impossible.  But as head of the household, he pulled it together for his remaining family as our bills and now, the extra expenses keeps adding up.

The night Satori passed into the light, weird things began to happenEarlier that night, my oldest son opened the refrigerator door and the whole thing fell off!  The door fell in a manner that the inside hit the tile, breaking some of the shelves and the items on them.  At the same time, my 2 year old woke up screaming inconsolably. I was unable to even tend to the disaster because I needed to be with him and would not leave him to cry and walk into broken glass.

      Because we have not yet been able to function as our normal selves, the refrigerator, as I write, remains broken.  The door has fallen off a few more times, breaking the handle off of the door.

     That night the interior lights in the van also quit working.  The brakes sound progressively worse, an oil change is needed and the engine now has a problem.   

The kids became sick within days of her passing and I immediately began feeling pain in my abdomen, which I feel as I write this.
     But worse, our beloved cat, whom is my first companion into my adult family, is suddenly having health issues.  At first she was vomiting and falling into it.  Then only foam came up and now she tries to vomit but nothing comes up because she has quit eating.  When she falls out, it reminds me of the beginning of a seizure, but there is no shaking and she recovers quickly.  She is now so skinny and there is a green/yellow color around her ears, displaying signs of liver or kidney/urinary tract problems.

     If there was ever a time our family needs love and support, it is now.  And we have been so blessed to receive this in much variety!  Each person has something unique and special about them that can be shared. And so much thanks we give to everyone who has offered support and compassion. This means everything to our family.  I can not imagine going through this alone.

   One of these gifts came from a beautiful friend who helped me set up this blog and a pay pal account.  She even started this draft for me and included the pay pal link for the "Satori Inchante Memorial Fund." 

Satori has given so many gifts to me and to so many people.  One of these great gifts is that her transcendence has re-solidified the bond in many of my relationships. There are so many lessons I am learning or will learn from this experience.  One of these is the need that I have to receive right now, and to know that as a very giving person, it is OK for me and my family to receive right now.  

As individuals and as a family, we have never experienced any trauma as great as this before and I pray we never have to again.  Even my 2 year old says: "I want my baby, I want my baby!"  

If anyone reads this and makes a choice to donate even five or ten dollars to my family, I want to thank you and bless you right now!  And even if you can not donate money, I still want to bless you and thank you for sharing in our story, our very difficult story.

                                         Enjoy every precious moment,
         for life is full of moments and there are no guarantees besides death itself.

                                          ~ In love and light we all shine ~

Wednesday, March 6, 2013

Our Angel: Blessings and Tragedy

     To begin on a joyful note, I want to share part of the story of the coming of our angel Satori Inchante.  Her name is significant of many things, in many ways for our family. Satori is a Japanese Buddhist term for "awakening, enlightenment."  Inchante comes from her Native American heritage.  In short, it is a Lakota term translating: "the heart of."  Together this translates: "the heart of awakening."  As the story is revealed, very deep meaning comes from the story of who she is, the story of our family, the heart of awakening for us and for many.

     After birthing, parenting and loving three boys, Satori finally blessed us with her arrival; my first born daughter.  I still almost can't believe I finally birthed a girl!  I felt her presence from the spirit world ever since my first son was born 13 years ago.  What an absolute blessing and honor to hold her in my womb and so peacefully bring her into the world in the warm waters of our birthing pool, in the sacred space of our home.
     She exited my body and entered our world on the evening of December 5, 2012.  She was so beautiful, full of color, weighing 8 lbs, 5oz.  After we exited our birthing pool, I rinsed off and headed to bed with her for as many days as I could.  Because she was my fourth child, the holidays were approaching, my husband had to quickly return to work and my sister-in-law was about to unexpectedly move into our house, our nesting time was a bit shorter than usual.  But we did our best to keep climbing back into bed as much as possible for the first 2 weeks to work on nursing, resting and bonding when we were able.  At 2 weeks old, with the arrival of my husband's sister, I was ultimately thrown out of our nesting state.

     16 days after Satori's birth was the winter solstice, referred to as "the apocalypse."   While many people called this "the end of the world," this time actually is about a time of transition, better known as a "spiritual awakening,"  which I will write more about later as it fully relates to our whole experience.  All of the holidays that occur in this season were now well under way.  We were very busy, especially as I was the only driver in the house and had to relay my husband to work and back as well as help my sister-in-law adjust to a new city, help her find a job and then take her to work and back between 2 jobs (4 times a day round trip oftentimes, plus 2 times there and back for my husband and everyone's extended errands.) And then we had two sets of out of town company visit consecutively!  This is just a portion of the chaos, also including homeschooling and re-adjustments for my other baby, now 2 and for the family as a whole.

    I made sure to have special time with all of my children, often holding Satori and nursing her while I was busy with the boys or cooking.  And yet I feel regretful now that there was so much business and so much time in the car during these sacred newborn weeks...

     I called her my sleeping angel as so much of her life at this time was spent sleeping.  I thought it was a blessing, being such a busy mama, still healing from our birth and looking forward to the rest of our lives awake together.  And now I regret how many times I laid her down to sleep while I tended to her brothers and the piles of dishes and laundry.

     It pains me so very, very deeply how suddenly and how profoundly the lives of my family and myself changed so quickly.  On February 10, 2013 our very precious and beautiful angel of light crossed over, back into the realm of the spirit world she had just come from.  I thought, mistakenly, that I would be with her into my years as an old woman, present while she most likely would one day choose to carry on the linage of our family.  I wanted so badly to share the bond that only a mother and daughter attains.  At the time of her death, I was still in awe that I finally had my long awaited baby girl with me in life!

      I lost my baby before I even had lost the weight from carrying her in me.  Before my body had healed.  Before she had begun to awaken more.  We had only just received her name after many weeks of asking for it to be revealed to us.  I never got to experience so much of her.  I never got to watch her become whomever she would beautifully be!  And oh how it hurts!  How very painful it is... To be a mother without her child, without my baby girl.  My breasts are still filling with milk to sustain her 3 weeks later...how I wish I could sustain her.  How I long to hold her.  I never even got to put a dress on her or watch her hair grow long and braid it...the things this mother of three boys longed for quietly all these years.
     And I am so immersed in my mothering!  I feel alive and happy mothering, as if it were the only thing I were born to do, to nurture these amazing souls.  And though I treasure each one of my boys so incredibly, I always knew she was connected to me.  I always knew she was coming!  And I waited so long, so patiently for her.
     And yet, just as I knew she was there all those years, I know she is still present and always will be.  She really is our angel, just as I called her since the time of her birth.  Now she is invisible.  No I cannot hold her, see her, cuddle her, feed her.  But I can go deep into my heart and feel her.  I can talk to her and learn to hear her.  My children and husband and I have her as a spirit guide to protect us.  And while I long for her in the body of my child again, I try to remember how blessed we are that one of our angels manifested into a body, if only for a moment, to bless us and allow us to see her in a form somewhat different than she now is, and yet the same, still with us, always.

     Our story will unravel in many different ways and times as it is meant to.  But it is important that I share our story, her story, as I am able.  Her life and transition called death did not happen in vain.  She is part of a greater awakening of this planet and for many souls who share space on earth during this evolutionary time.  And as time progresses, her existence; the revealing of her truth and joy and the spreading of her innocence and love will touch many and only become clearer as to what this experience is really about.
     The cause of her passing is the kind that is unknown, often referred to as SIDS.  And yet I understand it on a soul level, that it was her agreement to be here just a short time and she simply zapped out of her body, peacefully in her sleep...peacefully how she had entered into this life from the womb only 8 weeks before.  8 weeks, the number of infinity.  Satori is truly infinite!

My Message to You
I’m not here to console you; I’m only here to give you a message, from the
 product of your love.
Watch the sky, find that shining that twinkles just right, that’s my glistening 
eyes and that’s where you will find me. 

In the morning crisp air, with a soft kiss on your nose, that’s where you will 
find me. 

That desert snow fall that makes the hairs stand up, that’s my arms around 
your neck, and that’s where you will find me. 

When you feel that tug on your heart when you watch my brothers play, that’s  
me hugging your heart, and that’s where you will find me. 

You will find me in mommy’s and daddy’s eyes, in every crashed wave, in 
every rain fall, in every sprouted flower.  This world needed me to spread my 
energy, my innocence and love into everything and everyone, so that’s where  
you will find me. 

I’m with you and everyone and everything you touch. 

Close your eyes and take a breath, and that’s where you will find me. 

            With Peace and Love Forever and Always,