I have a pattern of either staying up through the night to complete my computer tasks or abandoning them completely. And lately I have had a deep need for extra sleep at night, even sleeping as long as my children.
Between July and August we had 4 weeks of different family visiting back to back. After losing Satori, we happily devoted ourselves to spend all of our time together with our loved ones whom we had not seen for 2-3 years. It was something we looked forward to, clinging to it like a lifeline of hope before they came. When our family was gone, the very next day we jumped into another 4 weeks beginning our homeschool routine and creating changes in our lives. I needed to get us moving and keep us moving so we are not stuck. I have not yet removed Satori's things from their spaces in our house. I have picture boards of her around the house and a small shrine on our kitchen counter. I do not want us to forget her!!! AND I also need us to move forward making healthy progress in our daily rhythms.
Now it has been a couple months since my mother wrote this beautiful blog that I am about to post. Sorry I took so long mom! You are an amazing mother & grandmother! You have been so good to us and supportive throughout the trauma of losing our beloved Satori! I hope your friends and family provide support for you too and understand that grief does not suddenly leave for the grandparents or parents and siblings. WE LOVE YOU!!! Here is your blog...THANK YOU!
(PS: my son's computer died and he had the pictures of her on his computer which is where I was blogging from-another reason I stalled on writing here because I want her pictures in my blogs! Oh well, I am using what I have available and am grateful for all we have!)
My mom's blog:
Much of what I want to share with you is simply not my story to tell. It will likely be revealed in another chapter of this blog and at that time I may be asked to share my feelings. For now my comments reflect a grandmother’s broken heart over losing her beloved granddaughter. We did not know her gender until she was born so during those prenatal months I browsed baby stores wishing I knew if it was okay to purchase something with cute pink ruffles. Honestly we would be thrilled to welcome another grandson yet when there are already 3 boys in that family it’s only natural to dream of tea parties and doll houses. On occasion, when I found a good buy on feminine clothing, I took a chance and bought them because it was just plain irresistible. What the heck, we would either be able to use it or else gift it to someone else. It won’t surprise you that I went on a “pink” shopping spree the day after Satori was born. There was such joy upon her arrival. Their family felt complete with this beautiful, healthy infant daughter. Grandpa & I were honored to be invited to visit with the family immediately after her birth however we felt their family should have that evening alone together and tomorrow would come soon enough for us to meet our newest granddaughter. It was the right decision but now we wish we had spent every single opportunity with her. Tomorrow is promised to no one .. but do we ever truly believe something horrible will happen to us? SIDS is something we read about but never believe it will happen to us, especially when we are good, educated parents who know how to properly care for an infant. Had we known Satori wouldn’t be with us for long we wouldn’t have taken our annual Christmas trip and been gone for over two weeks of her short life. But we didn’t know and it is a blessing we didn’t possess that knowledge because every single day of her life would have been filled with sorrow rather than joy. I strongly believe in God’s Will. Things happen for a reason and we cannot always understand why but we need to trust that God knows what He (or She) is doing. It is called having Faith. Just think of all the good things that happen in our lives and rejoice. We don’t question those things. Only when tragedy occurs do we waiver and ask why. I miss her so much and struggle with my own grief yet I feel blessed to have had Satori in my life. Her life was too short but every single day of her life she was showered with love from her family and friends. She never suffered or wanted for anything. How many of us can say we’ve never had a bad day?
My daughter has already shared that there were some unusual circumstances happening in their household with a sister-in-law moving in two weeks after Satori was born. Since this person did not own a vehicle the result was my daughter became a chauffeur. Unfortunately the children spent more time in the car than usual however that became something positive for Grandpa and Grandma. Since it saved both time and gas, it made sense for them to stop at our house between runs and we had opportunity to see the kids at some point nearly everyday. We were able to bond with Satori and also provide extra hugs to the boys and play with them. My daughter kept the children with her at all times so I am honored to tell you that I am the only person she trusted to leave Satori with. She wasn’t away very long but it still counts as babysitting and is a fond memory for me. Grandpa holds the honor of having Satori smile and coo for him. He loved holding her but once she started fussing he would hand her over to me. I held her often and she knew me so well that I could always calm her down.
After our Christmas trip we returned home with Satori’s Great Aunt, who wanted to meet the baby and spend time with the rest of the family. Typically her visits are too short so we were pleased this time she was able to stay two weeks at our house. This is yet another circumstance that may have been planned in heaven. The result is she was able to meet and bond with Satori plus it gave me even more time with my daughter’s family. This is precious time together that may not have happened if not for having company.
My last day with Satori was another blessing. Plans were made to spend the day together at a special event. It was a mother, daughter, and grandchildren day doing something fun and best of all, with no time limitations. Grandpa volunteered to drive the others to their place of work so we wouldn’t need to keep our eyes on the time. Before leaving I got Satori dressed and during that day I was able to have plenty of time holding her. The day ended back at their house where they provided me dinner and I continued holding Satori. As I prepared to leave my daughter wanted me to stay awhile longer but I felt it was time to return home. Regrets are difficult to live with! If I’d known this was the very last time I’d see my granddaughter alive I would have stayed. However, I take comfort remembering this very special day with fond memories. We were extremely blessed to have so much time with Satori but oh how we miss her now.
Most of us recall exactly where we were upon hearing of tragic events such as September 11th or the assassination of President Kennedy. Sadly, I will always remember answering the phone on February 10th. I never, ever will forget my daughter telling me Satori died. We rushed to be with her. It all seemed unreal. Certainly there had been a dreadful mistake! My own grief was crushing however there is nothing worse than witnessing the grief of my own child and not being able to say or do anything to “fix it”. There were also the boys to consider. They were present as the paramedics attempted to revive their sister. My oldest grandson is able to understand his sister died while the younger boys truly couldn’t grasp that death is permanent. Each of us was truly functioning in a state of shock. Honestly it’s probably the only way we got through the days that followed. My poor daughter was so brave because she had to be for her husband and boys. The hardest phone calls I’ve ever had to make were to inform my other children of Satori’s death. Thankfully they took over telling the rest of our extended family.
As a child, my dream was to become a wife and mother. I was never career oriented and preferred being a stay at home mom. Even once my children were in school full day, I chose to work with preschoolers. I just love children! It’s not surprising that I love being a grandmother too! I get to have all the fun and then send home when they’re tired and crabby. They are supposed to outlive their grandma and share fond memories of me at my funeral. Not the other way around. There are no words to describe the emotional pain of grief. Each of us goes through it in our own way and as my dear friend points out, there is no timeline for grief. Sadly, not everyone is so enlightened. Quite often we feel unable to talk about our feelings of losing Satori with others. I’ve been in their set of shoes and realize they simply don’t know what to say. I cannot speak for other grieving parents/grandparents but only for myself. Be brave enough to say something, no matter how short. Your silence adds to our grief. Not only have I lost a beautiful granddaughter but now it feels like I’ve lost a few friends! I won’t make you talk about it. Just let me know you care with a phone call or an email. Although some friends & even family have been strangely silent, there is caring support from unexpected people. They are a wonderful addition to my life and I sincerely thank them, for without you, I don’t know if I could have functioned at all. As time goes on our tragedy is forgotten by many. The dreaded day came when there were no sympathy cards in the mail. Initially there are so many details to handle and we are surrounded by people and when these things come to an end it makes us realize Satori’s death is final.