"As good as can be expected."

Everyone asks, "How are you?  How are your boys?"  What can I say?  "As good as can be expected," my husband will say.  Drawing a blank, I wonder if anyone really wants to know and I might answer, "OK...(pausing and mumbling,)... I guess."   And even if I say the programmed, "good," I suddenly question why I said that and if I felt good right then, if I still feel good.  Because as soon as I say this, the death of our beloved comes crashing back in a huge wave and I feel pulled back into the undertow of this tragedy.

This is the most powerful time of my life.  I am changing profoundly into who I will be, a better version of who I am.  I recognize my inner elder and she is an amazing woman!  Whew, what a harsh path that is leading me to her!

So often I want to write and have not. I am so emmersed in my children and caring for them in their delicate processes.  And because I am grieving, it takes all of my energy to give and to be a mother and to still be a part of life; leaving me feeling too tired to write at night and consumed during the days.

I am doing well, remembering to tend to everything from bills, to our tender hearts.  And yet I find I myself digging into a project to move the energy forward, such as spring cleaning and having yard sales to let go of things, release different kinds of energy and to generate more income.  And then I slow down and am truly overcome with emotions.  Where the hurt and pain may have at one time seemed a gentle tributary it may suddenly pour into a giant river that flows rapidly towards the sea.

But whatever I am doing, whether washing dishes, cooking, laundry or beginning to cry in a quiet moment, I find my children in constant need, running to me, often in tears.  I stop what I am in the midst of and give myself fully to my children.  This is where most of my energy is directed throughout all of the day and night, every day and night.  I take time for the grief when I can, knowing that emptying the pain can only be done in pieces, in time. This takes many, many moons. And while I am dedicated to my own healing, I devote myself first to my family and their needs, some of which is "normal" child emotion, and much of which is escalated from our family's tragedy.

Adding to the trauma, 5 weeks after Satori crossed over, our beloved cat,  has passed over also. This has deepened the pain we are experiencing.  Our cat is a best friend to me and my family.  She was with me my whole adult life from the time she was conceived. And she grew up with my oldest son, since he was conceived while she was still a kitten.  She really watched him, (and all of my boys) grow up, while seeing me grow into who I am, knowing me better than anyone alive ever has.  I miss her and love her so!!!  She was the best cat a person could ever have.  Amazingly, she always came when I sang "her" song -EVERY TIME!  

our beautiful gato

Money has been another distraction.  There has been a struggle to get all of our bills paid.  I am praying for simple solutions to provide for our family without struggles.  I am manifesting more work that pays well and allows most of my time to be with my kids.  And for my husband we are manifesting a nearby, decent, second job or a different job that will allow for 40 hours of work, low cost benefits and higher pay.

We still have home and car repairs waiting since before Satori passed over.  I still want to print more of her pictures and buy photo albums that will keep them safe.  We are so grateful for all that we have and have received.  And we can still use lots of help.  We are playing catch up financially.  Currently I am listing items for sale on craigslist.

After almost 3 months, we finally fixed our refrigerator door enough to use it.  It still has no handle and is missing many of the shelves that go into the door which broke when it fell off.  I am so grateful we can use it again though!  It was scary having it resting in place, unable to be used.  I was nervous anytime the kids went near it and felt i was developing a fear of refrigerators! (HA.)

And still, while this is all of relevance and importance for our family's well being, it can also be a distraction from the pain.

She is not coming back!!!  Oh my goddess it hurts to the core of my being and all thru my being, feeling like a cord of pain links me to the core of the fire in the center of earth and through the planet into all existence!

Days ago, while brushing my hair in the morning, my brain was replaying the trauma.  I heard myself when I made the phone call my loved ones saying: Something horrific has happened, Satori is dead! And then I heard the panic echoing through my brain from both sides of the phone.  I felt the anxiety rushing in and had to tell my brain to quit thinking these thoughts and , drop the hairbrush and walk out of the room to force myself out of it.



Sometimes I will be driving and see an ambulance and I will feel the panic again as I remember the moment I realized she was not alive.  I held my dead baby in my arms, denying that she was gone, trying to stay calm, trying to remember infant CPR, feeling her lungs fill with air and no heartbeat to be found.  Knowing even if the ambulance shows up soon, her brain has not received oxygen for too long already and SHE WILL NEVER EVER BE OK!!!  I kept asking the 911 operator to walk me through the CPR so I had a better chance for success and the person on the phone just kept asking me questions about our location.  It was so frustrating!!! 
When I relive this,  I feel anxiousness and irregular breathing.  I catch myself deep  in this and try to stop thinking the thoughts that I feel could kill me.  And this all happens in seconds.  I pull myself back and breathe.  But this does not bring her back nor does it ease the pain for more than the moment I must get through right then.  And this has happened too many times.  But it is happening less as I process this all.

And there are so many more happy memories, like her birth.  What a gift that she was born into our family!  And she was so healthy and divine!  An amazing, angelic soul.  This is what I call my focus back to.  This is who I can can still connect with through the spirit realm, across the barrier of life and death, where all souls meet, part & merge.

We love you Satori!!!