I have a pattern of either staying up through the night to complete my computer tasks or abandoning them completely. And lately I have had a deep need for extra sleep at night, even sleeping as long as my children.
Between July and August we had 4 weeks of different family visiting back to back. After losing Satori, we happily devoted ourselves to spend all of our time together with our loved ones whom we had not seen for 2-3 years. It was something we looked forward to, clinging to it like a lifeline of hope before they came. When our family was gone, the very next day we jumped into another 4 weeks beginning our homeschool routine and creating changes in our lives. I needed to get us moving and keep us moving so we are not stuck. I have not yet removed Satori's things from their spaces in our house. I have picture boards of her around the house and a small shrine on our kitchen counter. I do not want us to forget her!!! AND I also need us to move forward making healthy progress in our daily rhythms.
Now it has been a couple months since my mother wrote this beautiful blog that I am about to post. Sorry I took so long mom! You are an amazing mother & grandmother! You have been so good to us and supportive throughout the trauma of losing our beloved Satori! I hope your friends and family provide support for you too and understand that grief does not suddenly leave for the grandparents or parents and siblings. WE LOVE YOU!!! Here is your blog...THANK YOU!
(PS: my son's computer died and he had the pictures of her on his computer which is where I was blogging from-another reason I stalled on writing here because I want her pictures in my blogs! Oh well, I am using what I have available and am grateful for all we have!)
My mom's blog:
Much of what I want to share with you is simply not my story
to tell. It will likely be
revealed in another chapter of this blog and at that time I may be asked to
share my feelings. For now my
comments reflect a grandmother’s broken heart over losing her beloved
granddaughter. We did not know her
gender until she was born so during those prenatal months I browsed baby stores
wishing I knew if it was okay to purchase something with cute pink
ruffles. Honestly we would be
thrilled to welcome another grandson yet when there are already 3 boys in that
family it’s only natural to dream of tea parties and doll houses. On occasion, when I found a good buy on
feminine clothing, I took a chance and bought them because it was just plain
irresistible. What the heck, we
would either be able to use it or else gift it to someone else. It won’t surprise you that I went on a
“pink” shopping spree the day after Satori was born. There was such joy upon her arrival. Their family felt complete with this
beautiful, healthy infant daughter.
Grandpa & I were honored to be invited to visit with the family
immediately after her birth however we felt their family should have that
evening alone together and tomorrow would come soon enough for us to meet our
newest granddaughter. It was the
right decision but now we wish we had spent every single opportunity with
her. Tomorrow is promised to no one .. but do we ever truly
believe something horrible will happen to us? SIDS is something we read about but never believe it will
happen to us, especially when we are good, educated parents who know how to
properly care for an infant. Had
we known Satori wouldn’t be with us for long we wouldn’t have taken our annual
Christmas trip and been gone for over two weeks of her short life. But we didn’t know and it is a blessing
we didn’t possess that knowledge because every single day of her life would
have been filled with sorrow rather than joy. I strongly believe in God’s Will. Things happen for a reason and we cannot always understand
why but we need to trust that God knows what He (or She) is doing. It is called having Faith. Just think of all the good things that
happen in our lives and rejoice.
We don’t question those things.
Only when tragedy occurs do we waiver and ask why. I miss her so much and struggle with my
own grief yet I feel blessed to have had Satori in my life. Her life was too short but every single
day of her life she was showered with love from her family and friends. She never suffered or wanted for
anything. How many of us can say
we’ve never had a bad day?
My daughter has already shared that there were some unusual
circumstances happening in their household with a sister-in-law moving in two
weeks after Satori was born. Since
this person did not own a vehicle the result was my daughter became a
chauffeur. Unfortunately the
children spent more time in the car than usual however that became something
positive for Grandpa and Grandma.
Since it saved both time and gas, it made sense for them to stop at our
house between runs and we had opportunity to see the kids at some point nearly
everyday. We were able to bond
with Satori and also provide extra hugs to the boys and play with them. My daughter kept the children with her
at all times so I am honored to tell you that I am the only person she trusted
to leave Satori with. She wasn’t
away very long but it still counts as babysitting and is a fond memory for
me. Grandpa holds the honor of
having Satori smile and coo for him.
He loved holding her but once she started fussing he would hand her over
to me. I held her often and she
knew me so well that I could always calm her down.
After our Christmas trip we returned home with Satori’s
Great Aunt, who wanted to meet the baby and spend time with the rest of the
family. Typically her visits are
too short so we were pleased this time she was able to stay two weeks at our
house. This is yet another
circumstance that may have been planned in heaven. The result is she was able to meet and bond with Satori plus
it gave me even more time with my daughter’s family. This is precious time together that may not have happened if
not for having company.
My last day with Satori was another blessing. Plans were made to spend the day
together at a special event. It was
a mother, daughter, and
grandchildren day doing something fun and best of all, with no time
limitations. Grandpa volunteered
to drive the others to their place of work so we wouldn’t need to keep our eyes
on the time. Before leaving I got
Satori dressed and during that day I was able to have plenty of time holding
her. The day ended back at their
house where they provided me dinner and I continued holding Satori. As I prepared to leave my daughter
wanted me to stay awhile longer but I felt it was time to return home. Regrets are difficult to live with! If I’d known this was the very last
time I’d see my granddaughter alive I would have stayed. However, I take comfort remembering
this very special day with fond memories.
We were extremely blessed to have so much time with Satori but oh how we
miss her now.
Most of us recall exactly where we were upon hearing of
tragic events such as September 11th or the assassination of
President Kennedy. Sadly, I will
always remember answering the phone on February 10th. I never, ever will forget my daughter
telling me Satori died. We rushed
to be with her. It all seemed
unreal. Certainly there had been a
dreadful mistake! My own grief was
crushing however there is nothing worse than witnessing the grief of my own
child and not being able to say or do anything to “fix it”. There were also the boys to
consider. They were present as the
paramedics attempted to revive their sister. My oldest grandson is able to understand his sister died
while the younger boys truly couldn’t grasp that death is permanent. Each of us was truly functioning in a
state of shock. Honestly it’s
probably the only way we got through the days that followed. My poor daughter was so brave because
she had to be for her husband and boys.
The hardest phone calls I’ve ever had to make were to inform my other
children of Satori’s death.
Thankfully they took over telling the rest of our extended family.
As a child, my dream was to become a wife and mother. I was never career oriented and
preferred being a stay at home mom.
Even once my children were in school full day, I chose to work with
preschoolers. I just love
children! It’s not surprising that
I love being a grandmother too! I
get to have all the fun and then send home when they’re tired and crabby. They are supposed to outlive their
grandma and share fond memories of me at my funeral. Not the other way around. There are no words to describe the emotional pain of
grief. Each of us goes through it
in our own way and as my dear friend points out, there is no timeline for
grief. Sadly, not everyone is so
enlightened. Quite often we feel unable to talk about our feelings of losing
Satori with others. I’ve been in
their set of shoes and realize they simply don’t know what to say. I cannot speak for other grieving
parents/grandparents but only for myself.
Be brave enough to say something, no matter how short. Your silence adds to our grief. Not only have I lost a beautiful
granddaughter but now it feels like I’ve lost a few friends! I won’t make you talk about it. Just let me know you care with a phone
call or an email. Although some
friends & even family have been strangely silent, there is caring support
from unexpected people. They are a
wonderful addition to my life and I sincerely thank them, for without you, I
don’t know if I could have functioned at all. As time goes on our tragedy is forgotten by many. The dreaded day came when there were no
sympathy cards in the mail.
Initially there are so many details to handle and we are surrounded by
people and when these things come to an end it makes us realize Satori’s death
is final.